In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”