Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My favorite farside!!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]