Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Holy crap this is wonderful
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Planet of the Apps.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.