My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I told my vodka about you.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus