I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
damn he’s good
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!