me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.