Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
You Might Also Like
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.