My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
You Might Also Like
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think