God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
it’s finally my moment to shine
jesus, what did this guy do
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
You learn something every day
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.