3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?