5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
this is uni
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.