“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.