I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
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My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”