Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.