Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba