Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Spell check is for lasers.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?