Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.