If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves