went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Seems legit
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.