My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
There’s always that one guy
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”