Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god