My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Legend 🤣🤣
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[eats all your cotton candy]
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.