Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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me logging onto twitter
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.