The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You Might Also Like
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I’m giving up for Lent.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all