[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”