ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.