My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.