Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“HELP WITH CAT”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Very good! 👍😂
#Caturday
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.