My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.