When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time