[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.