the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag