is this meant to deter me
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
my first day as a raccoon
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Yep.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.