[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
You Might Also Like
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
smartest karate player in the world
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.