I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
There is wisdom there.