Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
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I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Something Saturday.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.