My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.