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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.