Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
🌱🌱🌱
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?