Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy