I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
doing your own taxes
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
hackers play passwordle
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.