Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
50 shades of grey = my Liver
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister