“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
You Might Also Like
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
LA today:
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.