Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …