*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You Might Also Like
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Best table by far
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?