“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*