The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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