90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
You Might Also Like
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
greetings!
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch