Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
You Might Also Like
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
People buying plungers never look happy.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.