murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I bet birds love this building.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Bread puns are on the rise!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.